His Still Beating Heart
by leopardstarismyleader
Summary: Gokudera was never expecting the pain heartbreak could cause. He wonders, is every single person he ever cared about going to be taken away, leaving him alone? 8059.


"_I don't know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every part of my body is broken too."_

_ ~Chloe Woodward_

It was a sunny day.

Not fitting at all really. Not at all. Not for a funeral.

Gokudera stood at the entrance to the church. He was dressed in an all black suit, not even wearing his normal fiery red undershirt. Not today.

He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. It wasn't working, not today.

He slowly ascended the stairs and let himself into the church. He noticed Tsuna make his way over to his right hand man.

"Gokudera…" he whispered, trying to conceal the pain in his voice. His eyes were shimmering with tears, but he was trying his best to prevent them from breaking through.

"I'm so sorry. It's all my fault."

Gokudera looked slowly at his beloved Tenth.

"It wasn't your fault Tenth. It never was. It's those godamm BASTARDS who pulled the trigger."

"I was the one who sent him-"

"Like you do to all of us. You never know if we'll return when you send us on these missions, it's _never_ your fault."

Tsuna just nodded, knowing that whatever he said, his right-hand man would always deny it.

Gokudera dipped his head. "If you'll excuse me…"

He walked away from Tsuna's side and into the room. He felt his breathing hitch as his gaze was directed at the coffin displayed front and center of the room.

He felt all eyes turn on him, but he ignored them. He could feel the tears prick at his eyes, but he fought them down. He didn't want a repeat of the occasion when he was first informed of this death.

He took his place in the front row. Tsuna made his way in, followed by the rest of the Guardians. They too, took their places.

Gokudera could hear Mukuro chuckle softly under his breath as the preacher began the funeral. He knew that Mukuro had no belief in heaven, only hell; but at the same time, it took all he had not to get up and punch the Mist Guardian right in his stupid smiling smirk.

When the preacher finished speaking, Tsuna left his seat and went to the podium.

"When I first met Yamamoto, I admired him with all I had. He was exactly the person I was envious of, the person I wanted to be. I wanted to be popular, and have friends for once in my life. When he asked me of all people for advice, I was shellshocked. And when he became not only a friend, but one of the closest people to me, I couldn't believe it.

"And I all know we remember his smile. And I know that despite all the amazing things he did while he was alive, whether from befriending Squalo or hitting a grand slam his first baseball game, we will all remember that smile of his, that managed to bring everyone up even when all hope seemed lost."

Tsuna then turned to face the casket.

"I loved you like an older brother Yamamoto. And I'll miss you so much. I'll never be able to forgive myself for sending you on that mission, but I hope you're happy wherever you are."

Tsuna stepped down from the podium, and Gokudera tensed in his seat. He knew it was his turn to speak.

Slowly, he pried himself out of his seat and walked slowly towards the podium. He turned, and grasped the edges of the podium, fighting for control.

"He was the biggest idiot I've ever met in my life. Yet he still managed to be the best friend, ally, and lover anyone could ever ask for."

He turned and faced the coffin, feeling those pressing tears finally start to spill over.

"You're a fucking idiot for dying like that. Leaving the Tenth, leaving…me alone forever. I'll never forgive you for it."

He left. He couldn't stand being in that room anymore, couldn't stand falling apart in front of the many Mafioso and regular people that was attending the baseball player's funeral.

He walked outside and punched the nearest tree, kept punching it until his knuckles were raw and dripping scarlet.

He cried, he just exploded with sobs. He felt a throbbing pain every time his heart beat under his chest. He tried to distract himself from the pain in his heart, kept hitting the tree until he felt bone give way and splinter.

He collapsed to the ground, grasping at his hand. It hadn't distracted him; rather, it intensified the pain in his heart.

His still beating heart.

While his lover's never would again.

He wailed, ashamed of himself for falling apart but not really giving a shit. He had lost the one person he truly loved in his entire life.

Was life always going to be cruel? Was life always going to take away from him the people he cared about? Was he just going to lose everyone, one by one, until he was the last one left in a sea of grief?

Gokudera cried out again in pain as he punched the tree one last time, shattering the bones in his other hand.

He lay on the ground, staring into the sky. The still sunny sky.

"Why won't you fucking rain… the world needs the rain… I need my Rain…" Gokudera sobbed.

Tsuna walked out of the church ten minutes later, and cried out in shock as he saw Gokudera laying on the ground, blood covering his hands.

_Nonononono… I can't lose Gokudera too, I can't!_

He ran over and threw himself on the ground next to his Storm Guardian.

"Gokudera! _GOKUDERA!" _Tsuna yelled as he searched his friend's chest for any evidence of wounds.

Gokudera opened his eyes groggily, looking into the face of his worried boss.

"GOKUDERA! Are. You. Okay?" Tsuna was besides himself with worry.

Gokudera could only laugh weakly.

"Everything hurts. Every single part of my body hurts. I thought heartbreak was only limited to your heart."

"Gokudera who did this?"

"I did. I want that pain to go away." He closed his eyes.

Tsuna called desperately for help and for an ambulance.

As Gokudera was loaded into the Vongola ambulance, Tsuna felt a huge shock of guilt.

_By losing Yamamoto… I think I might just lose Gokudera too…_

_It's all my fault…_


End file.
